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britisz.

pogniewa się ktoś?
  
gugitsa
13.08.2008 22:01:41
poziom 3



Grupa: Użytkownik

Lokalizacja: OV + UKGreetings.

Posty: 194 #145137
Od: 2008-8-9
Category rude jokes
Subcategory rude jokes about sex


The Voodoo Penis
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

The rest is history.
  
Electra28.03.2024 23:29:40
poziom 5

oczka
  
karaho
19.08.2008 23:18:22
poziom 3



Grupa: Użytkownik

Lokalizacja: Corby / OV

Posty: 159 #146524
Od: 2008-8-19
Świetne!!! bardzo szczęśliwy lol wesoły
  
slawek
20.08.2008 07:41:37
poziom 1



Grupa: Użytkownik

Lokalizacja: Gainsborough Rd.

Posty: 41 #146559
Od: 2008-8-9
lol no dobre lol
  
kh
20.08.2008 10:03:07
poziom 5



Grupa: Administrator 

Lokalizacja: Foxglove Close / OV

Posty: 436 #146581
Od: 2008-8-8
biedny glina bardzo szczęśliwybardzo szczęśliwybardzo szczęśliwybardzo szczęśliwy
_________________
The Goodfather
  
gugitsa
20.08.2008 22:47:16
poziom 3



Grupa: Użytkownik

Lokalizacja: OV + UKGreetings.

Posty: 194 #146797
Od: 2008-8-9
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I
notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question', noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles.

'Oh', replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these biscuit
purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question.
'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now
and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'

'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi', he went on, 'What do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste', answered the Rabbi.
'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'
  
gugitsa
20.08.2008 22:49:23
poziom 3



Grupa: Użytkownik

Lokalizacja: OV + UKGreetings.

Posty: 194 #146798
Od: 2008-8-9
BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a
good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2
weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job
today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had
cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your
soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or
anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me
or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West
Virginia
together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I
have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what
you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a
hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just
like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't
say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite
meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from
because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when
I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2
tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens
for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always
wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a
dime from me.
So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife,
Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
  
Electra28.03.2024 23:29:40
poziom 5

oczka

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